22 May
2013
22 May
'13
3:27 a.m.
For those who might have missed it, herewith yesterdays posting on the
HoseMaster of Wine blog (www.hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com
<http://www.hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com/> ):
THE FIRST WINE BLOG TO LIST INGREDIENTS
After months of soul searching and consideration, and in the interest of
transparency and full disclosure, I have decided to list the ingredients and
processes that go into each piece on HoseMaster of Wine. I am hopeful that
my candor and honesty will spread throughout the wine blog world. As it
stands now, when you read a wine blog you have no idea what went into the
blog, aside from alcohol-fueled stupidity and the vocabulary of a porpoise,
i.e. whistling through the blowhole. Nothing harmful is ever added to a
HoseMaster of Wine article, though nausea can be a direct side effect. If
you find yourself becoming slightly nauseated when reading, its wise to
either induce vomiting, or, if youre uncomfortable sticking a finger down
your own throat, heres a link <http://www.palatepress.com/> that should
work.
Once youve read through the ingredients, demand of other bloggers that they
do the same for their blogs. Ask yourself, what are they hiding? Consider
never reading any wine blog that doesnt list its ingredients. Many are
dangerous and cause irreparable brain damage; others are known to have
caused cutting. I know a woman who cannot read Wild Walla Walla Wine Woman
without slowly slicing her forearms with a Ginsu knife. While clearly
appropriate, this is dangerous behavior induced by the blogs content. At
least the knife isnt dull.
And, also, remember not to vote for any wine blog nominated for a Poodle
Award that hasnt fully disclosed its ingredient list. This would set a
terrible precedent. Winners could do harm to unsuspecting new readersthere
have been reports of headaches, sleep apnea and erectile dysfunction, but
those reports are unconfirmed, and why would you believe my wife anyway? The
wine blog world is nearly ten years old now. Isnt it time we disclose what
were made of?
ACTIVE INGREDIENTS
Venom: It takes plenty of venom to produce HoseMaster of Wine. Most wine
blogs have very little venom content. In fact, most have little content at
all. Remember, if you have been bitten by one of my blog posts, it will hurt
for a moment, but dont panic. Rather than overreact, experts recommend you
suck it.
Wine: Inebriation is a key ingredient and I never skimp. I ask that you use
HoseMaster of Wine responsibly and in moderation. Do not operate heavy
machinery while reading. Do not read if you are pregnant. If you are
thinking about becoming pregnant, call me. Operators are standing by, but I
dont care if they watch if you dont. If reading the blog with a group,
please use a Designated Reader who is to remain sober and never laugh. Well,
the never laugh part is easy.
Artificial Sweeteners: Occasionally something sweet appears in HoseMaster of
Wine. Trust me, this is artificial.
Thought: Only tiny bits of thought are ever used in the production of
HoseMaster of Wine, but at least its not some stupid compendium of links
to other websites that takes no goddam thought at all.
Wit Substitutes: In the absence of wit, which is known to be carcinogenic, I
use wit substitutes. Common wit substitutes include puns, long sentences
that sound like wit but really arent, sarcastic remarks that widely miss
the mark (often called snarky by ignorant shitheads), and Randall Grahm
sloppy seconds. Wit substitutes are rarely found in wine blogs, which seem
to prefer going entirely witless.
Irony: Just listing irony is ironic. Isnt that ironic? Hell, I put the
ron in ironic. And without a condom.
Meat Byproducts: Strictly to protect against unwanted Spam.
WARNINGS
HoseMaster of Wine was produced in a facility that handles my nuts. If you
are allergic to my nuts, you are advised to read another blog, or to ingest
a small part of my nuts on a daily basis until the allergy subsides.
HoseMaster of Wine has been known to cause birth defects in lab rats, like
we give a fuck about lab rats.
If after reading HoseMaster of Wine you have an erection lasting more than
four hours, well, thats just about average. Try harder.
Objects appearing in HoseMaster of Wine are closer than they appear.
By law, HoseMaster of Wine is allowed to contain small pieces of rat turd,
otherwise known as the Hundred Point Scale.
Do not use HoseMaster of Wine in an enclosed space. The fumes are
explosive. If you smell anything resembling Grüner Veltliner, immediately
open the windows and shout, It wasnt me, it was the dog. In an actual
emergency, an oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over
your face, inhale like you have emphysema, and say, Luke, Im your father.
Void where prohibited by law.
Posted by <http://www.blogger.com/profile/11238869156614617705> Ron Washam,
HMW at
<http://hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-first-wine-blog-to-list-in
gredients.html> 8:00 AM 28
<http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=6745003136564123305&postID=86378297
76745442642> comments:
Labels: Dept.
<http://hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com/search/label/Dept.%20of%20Lame%20Premi
ses> of Lame Premises