For those who might have missed it, herewith
yesterday’s posting on the HoseMaster of Wine blog (www.hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com):
THE FIRST WINE BLOG TO LIST INGREDIENTS
After months of soul
searching and consideration, and in the interest of transparency and full
disclosure, I have decided to list the ingredients and processes that go into
each piece on HoseMaster of Wine™.
I am hopeful that my candor and honesty will spread throughout the wine blog
world. As it stands now, when you read a wine blog you have no idea what went
into the blog, aside from alcohol-fueled stupidity and the vocabulary of a
porpoise, i.e. whistling through the blowhole. Nothing harmful is ever added to
a HoseMaster of Wine™
article, though nausea can be a direct side effect. If you find yourself
becoming slightly nauseated when reading, it’s wise to either induce
vomiting, or, if you’re uncomfortable sticking a finger down your own
throat, here’s a link
that should work.
Once you’ve read through the ingredients, demand of other bloggers that
they do the same for their blogs. Ask yourself, what are they hiding? Consider
never reading any wine blog that doesn’t list its ingredients. Many are
dangerous and cause irreparable brain damage; others are known to have caused
cutting. I know a woman who cannot read Wild
Walla Walla Wine Woman without slowly slicing her forearms with a
Ginsu knife. While clearly appropriate, this is dangerous behavior induced by
the blog’s content. At least the knife isn’t dull.
And, also, remember not to vote for any wine blog nominated for a Poodle Award
that hasn’t fully disclosed its ingredient list. This would set a terrible
precedent. Winners could do harm to unsuspecting new readers—there have
been reports of headaches, sleep apnea and erectile dysfunction, but those
reports are unconfirmed, and why would you believe my wife anyway? The wine
blog world is nearly ten years old now. Isn’t it time we disclose what
we’re made of?
ACTIVE INGREDIENTS
Venom: It takes plenty of venom to
produce HoseMaster of Wine™.
Most wine blogs have very little venom content. In fact, most have little
content at all. Remember, if you have been bitten by one of my blog posts, it
will hurt for a moment, but don’t panic. Rather than overreact, experts
recommend you suck it.
Wine: Inebriation is a key
ingredient and I never skimp. I ask that you use HoseMaster of Wine™ responsibly and in moderation.
Do not operate heavy machinery while reading. Do not read if you are pregnant.
If you are thinking about becoming pregnant, call me. Operators are standing
by, but I don’t care if they watch if you don’t. If reading the
blog with a group, please use a Designated Reader who is to remain sober and
never laugh. Well, the never laugh part is easy.
Artificial Sweeteners:
Occasionally something sweet appears in HoseMaster of Wine™. Trust me, this is
artificial.
Thought: Only tiny bits of thought
are ever used in the production of HoseMaster
of Wine™, but at least it’s not some stupid
compendium of links to other websites that takes no goddam thought at all.
Wit Substitutes: In the absence of
wit, which is known to be carcinogenic, I use wit substitutes. Common wit
substitutes include puns, long sentences that sound like wit but really
aren’t, sarcastic remarks that widely miss the mark (often called
“snarky” by ignorant shitheads), and Randall Grahm sloppy seconds.
Wit substitutes are rarely found in wine blogs, which seem to prefer going
entirely witless.
Irony: Just listing irony is
ironic. Isn’t that ironic? Hell, I put the “ron” in ironic.
And without a condom.
Meat Byproducts: Strictly to
protect against unwanted Spam.
WARNINGS
HoseMaster of Wine™
was produced in a facility that handles my nuts. If you are allergic to my
nuts, you are advised to read another blog, or to ingest a small part of my
nuts on a daily basis until the allergy subsides.
HoseMaster of Wine™
has been known to cause birth defects in lab rats, like we give a fuck about
lab rats.
If after reading HoseMaster of Wine™
you have an erection lasting more than four hours, well, that’s just
about average. Try harder.
Objects appearing in HoseMaster of
Wine™ are closer than they appear.
By law, HoseMaster of Wine™
is allowed to contain small pieces of rat turd, otherwise known as the Hundred
Point Scale.
Do not use HoseMaster of Wine™
in an enclosed space. The fumes are explosive. If you smell anything resembling
Grüner Veltliner, immediately open the windows and shout, “It
wasn’t me, it was the dog.” In an actual emergency, an oxygen mask
will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over your face, inhale like you have
emphysema, and say, “Luke, I’m your father.”
Void where prohibited by law.
Labels: Dept.
of Lame Premises